I was pushed by my lovely mother passed the toy shelves and I looked at the items from afar, wondering about their purpose. We went through shelves of fancy glass formations (what an astounding skill!), candles and candle holders, incense and fragrance/oil emitters, cutlery and crockery…
A large sculpture of an armoured man stood out from it all, not quite life-size but intricately designed and very extravagant. An elegant butterfly and flower candle holder caught my eye but honestly I didn’t need it so I sat quietly observing the other items and again, pondering their purpose.
I’m not against shopping or any of that, I find it an absolutely fascinating experience I just, well… perhaps it’s due to my lack of leaving the house over the last few years that’s done it but I just feel so alien when being wheeled through a store; even when I’m well enough to walk a little I feel almost enshrouded in eeriness and discomfort.
I find myself living as though behind a one-way mirror, or looking in through a window at the world around me. It’s like I’m here but I’m not, I know I’m here but I feel disconnected from everyone. It’s only when I really stop and look at God’s creation that I really feel a sense of my own existence and even then it’s mild.
I can’t explain it. The Lord will heal me of it, he’ll deliver me from it – it’s a lonely sensation for sure.